I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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