Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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