Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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