Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
