after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I need a hoe opinion
go on
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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