get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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