Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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