I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
