I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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