The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
