Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
