I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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