Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
