How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
