I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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