I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
