He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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