The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
