meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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