I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
