My hand turned me down
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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