I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
