I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize