I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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