I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
