i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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