Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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