Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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