Your favorite bartender is back from prision
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
