At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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