she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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