There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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