For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There r osticjed everywhere
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am one with the molecules
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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