I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we made out on top of his cat.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
