You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
