The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
