you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
