Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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