2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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