do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize