Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
