She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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