Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
