If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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