How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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