dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
