You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
