how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
