Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
