mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
