She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
