No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
