my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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