We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
