I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I need moral support for this bender
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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