i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize