Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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