she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
