just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
