It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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