Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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