I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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