I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
