wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
