Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
