the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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