Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
