I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
